Wanderlust: Why I Should Travel Alone

My wanderlust is kicking in again. I want to get out of my comfort zone and travel the world.. or at least my country. I want to see what is out there, simply the plurality of the unknown. I know I have been missing a lot already. And the feeling of being stationary is killing me.

When I read this blog Why Every Woman Should Travel Alone by Hemal Jhaveri through a friend this morning, I heard myself saying, "Bam!" This is exactly what I have been waiting for these past few years. I actually wanted to visit a distant place by myself and come back, of course, with a renewed hope and faith, and a new level of self-confidence and independence that are unachievable by simply doing the ordinary. I believe every one of us is extraordinary in our own special ways. We are all born for something in this world, whether it is being a nomad or a wandering English teacher in Asia or Europe. We can never underestimate ourselves just because we think we can do or discover little. We can do and discover so much more than what we can conceive. Experience is unlimited.

One of the lines that I loved in the blog was "Do not postpone what's important to you simply because others don't share your priorities." I remembered what I said in my old Xanga blog in highschool, 

People have to change.. for the better, right? For me, the secret in life is you don't have to stop and wait for people to grow up. If you have to run ahead of them to fulfill your own dreams, do as you wish. You can help them on their way but don't let them run your life.

Surprisingly, that statement still describes my current attitude and perspective towards people and life. Just because people don't agree with you or does not prioritize the things you want, that does not mean that you have to change your ideas or stall and wait for them. There is a great difference between living for people and living for yourself. There is even a much greater difference when the purpose falls deeper: Living for God.

So I will keep on getting ready by packing and repacking my bags, equipping and training myself until the right time to travel alone comes. Even for a short time, I must live without compromise. I believe that getting lonely can get into me and can trigger my desire for company. But the question is, do I let loneliness overcome? Do I have to be sad and depressed in a beautiful place due to a lack of a boyfriend, family members, or girlfriends to share my happiness with? Does that have to stop the dreams I want to fulfill or the plans God designed for me? As what Hemal Jhaveri said, "Alone doesn't mean lonely. It just means alone. It just means that for now, you're on your own, and that's not a terrible thing."

Now, where do I go?

We Get Bitten and Die and Love

The 14th of February has always been a day for lovers to me. Recalling myself in the past years, I have spent my Valentine's Day with someone special and no special event to attend to. I could recall one attendance in LoveRage or two, a couple of surprise flowers and gifts, some mall dates and meetups. But I seriously could not even count one of them as my ideal Valentine's Day, one you can really spend with someone special and happiness radiates you all day long.

Recently, the right perspective dawned on me. I had my ideal Valentine's Days with someone special and in fact, the days turned out to be special. Throughout those years of waiting on someone to ask me out on Valentine's Day, I actually had special dates with Love himself. What made them special was that the love bug has lasted for a long time. Not just on Valentine's Day but throughout the whole year until the next stings came along. The same sting has been with me for years now. For the years I have called myself dateless on Valentine's Day, I actually had something special going on with the Best Date Ever.

Every year, Valentine's Day brought a different story. As I am having a date with BDE tonight at one of my most favorite coffee shop CBTL, I am glad to have the opportunity to write about a new story I encountered with him.

In class today...

Student: Teacher, why did Jesus die on the cross?
Teacher: Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins. Because he loves us.
Student: But why is he on the cross?
Teacher: Because that is where the people put him to die.
Student: Why is there blood on his… (points to his palm)
Teacher: The nails on his hands made his blood flow out of his body. So he died.
Student: Ooooh... but what about my Dad?
Teacher: What happened to your Dad?
Student: He died. He is now in heaven.
Teacher: Why do you think he died?
Student: Uhh… my Mom just told me. I am just sad. I just miss him.
Teacher: (about to give him a shoulder hug)
Student: Oooh Teacher, you know I did my PACEs!!!
Teacher: (in tears)
…
Student: Teacher, why are you sad?
Teacher: Nothing.
Student: Is it because Jesus died?
Teacher: Yes.

I have never had a close encounter with death. Though I have close family members who died and whom I cried for, I never knew what death feels like. A short conversation with an eight year old about Jesus and death was a first time to me. It actually brought me to a deeper contemplation about what and who Love really is.

Jesus is Love. What He did on the cross was exactly a good example of love. Loving someone is more than the emotional feelings we carry for another person. If love was just about the emotions, then Jesus could have simply lived in peace and left us alone. But He loves us despite of our imperfections. He died to save us from our sins. There could never be a greater act of love than dying for another person.

To love is to die. I once said before that to live is to die. When we are living, we are also loving. Loving passes on a part of ourselves to that person or thing. When we love truly, we become sacrificial. We become selfless. We can even give up our chance to live. And this love lives beyond death.

I can feel and see the love of my eight year old student for his father. At a young age, he actually had the kind of love that could last for a long time. He has been bitten by the same love bug that has bitten me and would continue to bit me. As much as I wanted to cry with him and console him, I also delight in him. There would come a day like today when he would miss his father again. But I'm sure that he would always be reminded of a lasting love. A love that transcends death itself. A love created by Love himself.

If Valentine's Day would come every year with a different story, I would never flee from it again. I would anticipate it for the incomparable happiness it brings. Spending it with the Maker of Love would bring forth different kinds of love that lasts for a long time. And I believe a time for another incandescent love that most people have been waiting for would arrive. It does take time, sometimes almost a lifetime. But when we are loved by our Lover, time flees. And the next thing we know, it becomes the next chapter of our lives.

My simple Valentine's Day message would be this: Get yourself bitten by the Love's love bug, die for others whether literally or figuratively, and love and love again.

Happy Valentine's Day! :-)

Need | Want

Listing down my needs and wants is part of my habit every single day. Whether I write them down on my planner, a sheet of paper, or visualize them on my mind, I make it to a point to organize my plans in order to achieve them. Organization has always been part of my vocabulary. If I fail to be organized, then bad things happen. All the time.

Two years ago, I started a habit of saving photos of the things I need and want. I save them in a folder entitled "My Wishlist for [insert year]." This helps me keep track of the items I have bought or are still in the list. There are some items that I erase in the middle of the year. But I have never got them all. If I decide that I still want them, I put them in the next year's folder.

In 2012, I noticed that most of them were coming true unexpectedly. I was able to finally buy a new laptop for my tutoring job with the help of a great friend. Moreover, the possibility of going to Europe and seeing my cousin in Hungary was only a plan this year. I never imagined it could be truly possible to happen considering the expensive flights I needed to save up for. Then came the numerous things such as some "kilig moments," the accomplished quest for the Jane Austen Seven Novels, black rain boots that could match almost any outfit, an almost complete family trip to Boracay, and even a new wallet in my most favorite color which was given to me by my lovely aunt. I could never thank God enough for all of these blessings. His Grace and Mercy are just so sufficient.

Experiencing these blessings caused me to think if I really deserved them. I could only answer, "Yes." Because God only gives me the things I need. If I want something and it does not match to the plan God has for me, then it would not do me any good at all. God is generous but He also ponders about the things he gives to us. Most of the things we want cannot make us happy for a lifetime.

This new year, I have some old and new things on my folder. Because I started reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, it now has a different title, "My Happiness Project 2013."The book inspired me to start out a plan for 2013. I believe happiness is a choice. And I choose to be happier this year.

Besides the folder in my computer, I decided to draw/post/write all of the things I need and want in 2013 on the Victory journal I received from the Leaders' Appreciation Night a few Saturdays ago. I finally had an idea on what to do with it. Yay!

My number one need and want is more of God. I have been contemplating during the last days of 2012 about the blessings He gave me. I could not make it through 2012 without Him. He really knew me well, more than I know myself. This is why my number one faith goal is to know more of him and less of me. 'Cause it was never really about me in the first place.

There are still so many things to look forward to in 2013. I have been so excited to welcome it for as long as I can remember. Now that it is finally here, I can smile and be thankful for everything in the past. Then smile and look forward to the future.

To God and to great family and friends, let's walk another year together! :-)

5 Things to be Thankful for in 2012

If there was a greeting that I would remember clearly about 2012, it would be "Surprise!" I did not hear it from my family and friends. But surprises came from my Father in Heaven who had brought the unexpected to reality. I was in awe this year.

Therefore, I am grateful and thankful for five major things that contributed to the joy from Him.

#5 Learning and Teaching

I am thankful that I am both a student and a teacher at the same time. I am getting the grades that I truly deserved in my graduate courses. Alongside my Masters, I am still teaching at Mind Matters Christian Academy (MMCA) and tutoring at RareJob. Whenever my students in RareJob hear about me, most of them reply in utter amazement. I know I am suicidal. I tend to be a workaholic. But I am only like this because I am meant to sow in this season. I planted the right seeds. Not because of my capabilities but all His. 

There are still a lot of things to learn. And a lot of people to give service to. I will never stop doing both.

#4 A Better Heart

I am praying for a better heart this year and it is exactly what I got. I began to become more concerned with what was happening around me. I am never going to be totally interested in politics, economics, and the like. But I am glad that God is renewing my heart. I have a heart for my nation and fellow Filipinos. I know time will come that I will serve my country or even the world not only in the field of education. Haaaaayyyyy!!! This calling is just too great. One day, I will understand everything.

"You shall not go out with haste...for the Lord will go before you,

and the God of Israel will be your rear guard."

-Isaiah 52:12

#3 Provision

Whenever I need money, God is always giving me enough. He is just too incredible because He always does it at the right time and place. Even though I do not ask, He still provides for my everyday expenses at work, money for my travels, leisure expenses, and others. He is always on time. I can say I am rich this year because of Him.

#2 Family and Friends

People say that the more you get older, the lesser friends you get. Even though I have met a lot of people in the past years, there seems to be only a few of them who stay, who know the right words to say, or who help in times of need. To my immediate and extended family, Victory family, MMCA family, UPIS family, and some great friends who do not belong to any particular group but remain significant to me, THANK YOU.

#1 A Longer Walk with God

Every year is a tendency to fall back and get off track. But I am thankful that this year He was closer to me than ever before, making me joyful and thankful for the little things, surprising me with blessings, and saving me from harm. I will always be grateful for the walk we are having right now. He will always be in my mind and I am thankful that He never let go of my hand. 

Truly, God is the reason for this season. Each day that has passed, welcoming the new year, is one step closer towards Him. The walk may be long and sometimes narrow and weathery but there is no reason to stop, turn around, or get off track when we are with Him. He is the God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is in control of everything. Due to this, I am secured that He can take care of my 2013 and even the rest of my years.

Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, 

and step out into the invincible future with Him. 

-Utmost for His Highest

Happy New Year, everyone! 

Let us wait upon his surprises for us this coming year.

Hello 2013! :-)

Christ is the Reason for this Season

"My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you.." (Galatians 4:9)

When Jesus Christ is formed in you and me through a birth totally unlikely from physical birth, our human lives become Bethlehems for the Son of God. Let us solemnize His birth into this world and His birth in us in complete resonance.

Merry Christmas to you all! :-)

-Kaye

A Big No-No to Blaming a Disability for an Action

Through the years, I have never written a blog about my belief of special education and people with disabilities. But in part of a current issue regarding the Connecticut shooting, I felt the need to share a short blog about what I believe.

We cannot blame a person for his disability. The disability has already been biologically and ingrained in a person by nature. It is already expected that his actions may be uncontrollable at certain times. However, I believe this person can be blamed by nurture. His parents, for instance, played a big part in his life. They are the people who brought him up to the person he grew up to be. However, there could have been some loopholes left unfilled that separated him from them and everyone else.

A child with Asperger's Syndrome or autism can experience a lot of social issues. These issues can be addressed as early as possible. If a parent is knowledgeable about his child's diagnosis and witnesses his frequent unusual behaviors, then they become responsible for helping their child. If they see that their child is screaming and throwing tantrums frequently than normal and secluding himself from other people, then the initial step of a parent is to question and observe. Not just letting it pass.

Parents may undergo a stage of denial. Some of them will learn to accept their child's disability and love their child unconditionally. But some may remain in the denial stage. I emphatize with these children whose parents never accepted their conditions and who did nothing but hide the believable truth.

The way a child is nurtured is very crucial. No matter how kind a parent may be and no matter how seemingly quiet and behaved a child may be, a parent's nurturing may still fail in one way or the other. There may have been some ignorance or a lack of propriety that has taken place. Given the disability, what can a parent do to help their child handle it? Given the proper parenting, what can a child with disability do to help himself? All of these can be answered if a child is surrounded by a strong support group. If he lacks it, then he will really become destructive and uncontrollable in society.

Let us not blame his disability for what he has done. And let us not generalize all children with Asperger's Syndrome as destructive and violent only because of one child's mistake. Although there can be no doubt that he is completely responsible for his actions, environmental and social factors may explain a lot about his behaviors as well.

The disability will always be present in the child by nature. But the complete and utter nurturing from a parent or an adult, can definitely make a lot of difference.

The First and the Last

I don't mind walking. It is one of the reasons why I stay in my current body weight for almost my entire life. I commute to work or to other places where I will meet my friends or family. Though it is difficult and tiresome, I always look at the positive sides of it and the burden lessens.

The most difficult thing in commuting is the way back home. Rush hours and countless traffic jams can be found everywhere. Getting stuck is always normal. People can never escape it for it is  a part of the city life. It has always been my most favorite due to the thought of getting home after a long day's work and also my least favorite part of commuting due to everything else.

When I was on my way home tonight, I experienced the most dreadful thing a commuter could ever experience: The shortage of money when there was supposed to be enough. As I used my last money to pay the jeepney driver up to Quezon City City Hall, I found out that I rode the wrong jeepney. I started rummaging through my bag to see if there were hidden bills or coins but I found none. I got stuck at City Hall. I wanted to take a taxi cab and pay for it when I get back home but I dreaded taxi cabs at night. So I walked. I walked from City Hall to Philcoa. Then at Jolibee, I started planning. I composed a text for my Mom but unluckily, my autoload was not enough to send a text. Wow. I really felt sorry for myself. But instead of crying, I straightened up and walked towards the University Avenue. Imagine a woman walking in a backpack with a laptop, a lunchbox and a coffee steel container in one hand. I looked like a poor highschool kid, alright. But my mind was geared to go on and finish this walk until I reach my destination. As I walked towards the first block, I was happy to be walking aside a student and a family of three out of nowhere. Then as I was about to reach the end of the block, I got a little scared because of three scary looking teenagers who were smoking and a bunch of children who commented sensual stuff at each other. I would rather not mention what they said because as a teacher, I felt so bad for them. Children. Oh, God help them. I chose to walk near the road instead of the side pathways. I feared them. But when I reached Vanguard, I felt better to be only a few blocks away from home. Lucky enough, there were lots of joggers everywhere! I walked and walked until I saw this...

Then a smile on my face appeared. "I made it home," was all I could say.

Despite the exhausting day I had at work, the strength that I got to walk on a five kilometer distance was unexplainable. Maybe the two pizza parties of students today helped store a lot of energy inside of me but I also felt it was coming from a source stronger than my own.

I expect that people would judge or pity me for this story. But I am surprised at myself for not crying and for taking it lighter than I have imagined. I am not at all ashamed for experiencing this actually. I don't even know why I am blogging about this right now. All I know is I did not regret this experience. It reminded me a lot of things to keep in mind. Even though this has proven how brave and strong I was, I would never do it again. This walk would be the first and the last. I would never risk myself like that ever again unless you, my friends are with me, of course. I was only blessed that GOD guided my every step towards home tonight. I am forever grateful.

He walked with me. And now it feels like it was the best walk I have ever had.

How it feels to be a quarter of a century old

While taking a shower this morning (yes I think of peculiar things here), I randomly counted the number of flights I have taken since birth. If my counting and my memory were correct, I had 25. I just had to say "WOW" at that. Because at the age of 25, I have flown 25 flights. It was like I have flown each year. But hey, the truth has been sinking in.

I am a quarter of a century old.

For those who have reached this age, I am sure there was one moment that you thought of yourself--what you have achieved or what you would want to achieve. I feel like I have not achieved anything at all. But I do have a lot of things I would want to achieve. Is this how it feels like to be 25? Counting things and evaluating myself?

I talked to my friends who were experiencing the same thing. They told me they stopped aging when they reached a certain age. They felt like they were in college forever.

I am also in the same zone. I still feel young and vulnerable, like everything is marked with a question. I still don't know where I am going or what I must do. But I know I am rekindling old things and trying out new things. I am exploring. I feel like a wanderer most of the time.

But just like what J. R. Tolkien said, "Not all who wander are lost."

To be lost at 25 must be a catastrophe. I am not completely lost. I choose not to be for there are better places to be, better flights to take, and brighter things to see. I am a wanderer with a definite destination and purpose because of God. Through him, I still feel youth and vigor like a child. And conflict and mystery are still present from time to time.

I am a wanderer at 25. With complete faith, I think this is how it must be.

My Birthmark

I don't have a birthmark. I only have a few moles and some scars which I can't consider as birthmarks either. There is really nothing in my body that makes me different from anybody else in the world.

Ever since I was born, I tend to look for things around me that can complete me or at least define who I am. I grew up ensuring my identity to these things. I dance. I sing. I act. I draw. I paint. I read. I play the piano. I learn drums. I write. I play sports. But there is always something missing within me when I do these. Something greater than these accomplishments or even the lack of it.

A little girl who did not really know who/what she wants to be

When I turned 18, I started to see myself in a different light. I began dreaming of things I have never dreamt before. I began believing that someday those dreams would happen and I would become the person I dream of. I was so sure of my identity back then. Never for one second did I think that I would be someone else. I knew what I want.

But as years passed, graduation kicked in and my first job offer was given, I could not feel any certainty in the decisions I made. Though I was working in a job that I am passionate about, I was asking myself a lot of questions. But giving up and stopping in the middle of it all did not become an option. I found peace and moved on, knowing that I am in a season of finding out who I am.

A few years went by and time progressed to this day, I am still doing the same things. There is always an enlightenment along the way but I still find myself lost, trapped, and unsure of where to go. Indeed, I feel blessed with people whom I can trust and who love me for who I am and not for what I do. Despite the uncertainties, there is a hope of a brighter future ahead.

That future involved certainty from a far greater entity than the ones on earth. Through the years, I found certainty in no one else. The fact that someone so great could love me so brings me to a level of humility and selflessness. The fact that I was born as His daughter and princess supplies the meaning and purpose of my existence.

I may not have a birthmark that can distinguish me from anybody else throughout my life. But in truth, there is no need for it when the purpose of my existence is to express my love for Him and aid other people in doing the same. There is no need to be more different from other people than what we already are. We all have one birthmark within ourselves.

When I reached this point in time, the message is just too simple. I am created out of His hands, in his own grand design, marked with faith. With this truth, I stopped trying to be different. I started focusing on a magnificent identity. To know Him is a far greater purpose than to know who I am. For He knows my identity, every little thing about me, I have no reason to falter and worry.

Faith, something that surely completes who I am and who I want to be, is my birthmark. And so is everybody else's.

Amélie: The Movie

Once I finished my tasks this afternoon, I decided to watch the French movie Amélie. This movie was something old yet new to me. I have been dying to watch it since I was in my preteen years but I never had the chance. I completely forgot that I listed down the movie in my Tumblr Movie List a few years ago and I downloaded a torrent file a few days ago. It is such a huge relief to be able to watch it at last.

For me, Amélie was fun, artistic, witty, depressing, and authentic. The little Amélie kind of reminded me of the little Matilda. There was something magical in her. She created her own fantasy world where she leads her own adventures. For a second, I thought she has special powers and she was determined to save the world. Well, she actually did plan to spread goodness to people in a womanly Zorro kind-of-way...

I fell in love with Amélie's character right away. She reminded me of myself a lot. I was an introvert like her at 24 years old. I also wear vintage, can live with anything vintage, and I love Paris and the color red. I have a job that I enjoy though I could ask for more. I have always planned to make a difference by helping people and spreading love and kindness. I have been in a relationship with men though true love has never landed on my feet. The only thing that makes a lot of difference between Amélie and I was that she lived independently with only a cat in her apartment and I have neither lived alone nor slept next to a cat all my life. I have always lived with my parents and I preferred to live with dogs.

The movie showed the importance of family which I really liked. I could not imagine the feeling of losing a mother at a very young age though it must be not so terrible for Amélie. When she was young, she could not wait for herself to be old enough to leave her parents' home and live independently. Still, out of love, she still visited her father even though she was already living in heart of Paris. It reminded me of my family values: to love and care for the ones who took care of us.

Amélie's quest for true love in the movie turned out to be so cute. Amélie and Nino grew up five miles apart from each other. When they were young, they longed for a brother and a sister to play with. Once their paths crossed again, Amélie fell in love with Nino. At first, she could not acknowledge her own feelings though she managed to overcome her fears by the help of Mr. Colignon, the old artist living in the same apartment building as hers (really grumpy but lovable!). Slowly but surely, she directed Nino through a game for him to know who she really was.

If Amelie chooses to live in a dream and remain an introverted young woman, she has an absolute right to mess up her life! -Mr. Colignon

Honestly, I was not so fond of Nino. He, too has an adventure of his own but he did not quite notice Amélie until the end. Maybe he was so shy or he was so focused on collecting pictures of people from the photo booth. Ha-ha. But I guess I am just the kind of person who prefers the man to fall in love first and make the first move. I just did not like it when he only made a move when he was told by Amélie's co-worker that the girl was Amélie. He could have thought of a way to find out for himself. I am such a traditional Filipina! Hahaha!

Anyways, guy frustrations are starting to come out again. LOL. But like Amélie, I believe I will find my luck at the right time. Luck is truly similar to a Tour de France. Wait, and let it flash past you. And of course, you need to catch it while you can.

My most favorite part:

Photo: "She's in love."

Nino: "I don't even know her."

Photo: "You do."

Nino: "Since when?"

Photo: "Since always. In your dreams."

Salut!